Who knew an umbrella could cause trouble?
The other evening a friend and I went to a seminar in Philadelphia. We took the train into the city together and I didn’t bring an umbrella. I simply never think of it. She, however, was quite prepared. She was dressed in a lovely suit set, equipped with an umbrella. Of course when we walked out of the subway station it was raining. Not some light pleasant kind of rain but big plops of chilly miserable raindrops.
My friend kindly offered to share her umbrella with me. I offered to hold it and she let me for all of 2 minutes then she took it back over, thinking since she wore a jacket she needed it less than me and she wanted to make sure I was protected from the rain.
Thus began the longest 4 blocks of my life. I received glares from 3/4 the people we encountered on the street – double takes, hate filled looks, shock, disbelief – from the business man hurrying on his way, the white tattooed and pierced girl leaning against a building, the tall African American valet at a swanky hotel, couples and singles, young and old.
We finally arrived at our destination and went inside. Two hours later as we prepared to leave I looked at her and said, “Ok, you carried the umbrella here and I AM carrying it back. That was the worst walk of my life.” She looked at me confused and said, “Well, if you feel so strongly about it, by all means, carry the umbrella.” I proceeded to tell her my experience of our walk and after just a minute or two it dawned on her. She hadn’t noticed a single look, a single glare. She had simply been holding an umbrella for a friend.
You see, the problem was my friend who was holding the umbrella for me, is African American. Out of the goodness of her heart she wanted to make sure her friend was dry and did the polite thing, hold an umbrella for her friend. Instead we learned a big lesson.
We learned that maybe we haven’t come as far as we need to in this country. As I related the story, I then shared how I had never been the object of that kind of dislike before. My Quaker ancestors broke the rules of religious pacifism they lived under to reportedly use their barn as a stop on the Underground Railroad. I grew up in a world of “all men created equal” and it didn’t require me growing up in an ethnically diverse area. I grew up in the PA country and I grew up in Upstate NY. I lived in places that were not ethnically diverse and yet I grew up knowing the color of your skin means nothing in terms of your value. I didn’t mind holding the umbrella for my friend, but my friend, like me, didn’t see skin color. She saw a friend she wanted to help.
A little piece of innocence died that day. I’m sad. I’m sad that MY skin color ruined a perfectly lovely walk and chat. I’m sad that my kids are growing up in a world where who’s holding the umbrella still matters. I can’t remember a thing we talked about in those 4 blocks. All I can remember is that long walk, wishing I could disappear. But you know what else I remember? I remember our conversation on the way back. I remember our laughter as I clumsily held that umbrella. Truly, I do stink at holding umbrellas but she let me hold the umbrella so that I could walk in peace.
I say a little bit of innocence died but I don’t mean to say I have never felt racism. I have been in other countries and felt it, I have been in this country and felt it. I have felt it towards friends I have been with and toward me for friends I have been with. I’ve watched my sister take it from white people and from Asian people simply because she didn’t let ethnicity stop her. She married the man she loved. I’ve been called gringo and cracker and if you think those words don’t matter, look them up. I have walked through life and been made to feel that because it doesn’t happen to me every day of my life it doesn’t matter. I have been made to feel because my skin is white it doesn’t matter. But here’s the thing, IT DOES. It matters no matter your skin tone. It matters no matter where you are or who you are. YOUR WORDS MATTER. So next time you want to tell a ‘Polish joke’, a ‘black joke’, a ‘blond joke’ or a ‘white joke’, or any number of jokes that make ANY ONE the butt of your joke, stop and think. It’s not always so funny on the other side.
I pray that someday in this country it won’t matter which hand is holding the umbrella. That people won’t look at a picture and judge without knowing the story. As I end I am reminded of a song we sang in Sunday School and the phrase that sticks in my mind…..
O be careful little mouth what you say
O be careful little mouth what you say
There’s a Father up above
And He’s looking down in love
So, be careful little mouth what you say
My friend Janeane’s side of it – Two Friends in the Rain or Racism in Action
The change starts with us and we instill it in our children, to not see someone for the color of their skin. Perhaps one day racism will be a distant memory. Thank you for sharing your story.
So true!
I’ve read both your posts and astonished. But then I am white middle class and English. I cannot imagine the same happening here. But I have also lived in South Africa before the end of apartheid and can remember the shock at seeing my first public bench with the sign Nie Blankes. All my assumptions, the structure on which I had built my life was torn up and I was forced to see life from a totally different perspective. It wasn’t pleasant but it was educational and changed me, I hope for the best, forever.
Both posts were thought provoking and beautifully written. thank you.
Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to add your experiences. A friend who has dark skin was raised in England. She came her around 20 years ago and this experience opened up the chance for her to talk about what it was like moving to America. She said the same as you, before coming to America she never dealt with segregation and racism. I also visited South Africa and the black/white divide was very much alive there still. It is sad but it stretches to so many countries and ethnic backgrounds.
I’m so glad you wrote your story. We had some incidents recently that caused me to have to discuss this very same thing with my children. I had to explain to them that while we have come some distance from the outward acceptance of the ugliness of racism, we have not come as far as we propose politically and publicly. Socially, we hide it well – but the whole Big Brother house incident shows that it is not really as hidden as we think. More of us have to live a life where skin color doesn’t determine social class in private or public.
Elizabeth T, Early Rise
I am glad you were able to enjoy your walk on the way back, and spend time with your friend. It shouldn’t be so difficult to do that. It is so sad that in 2013 people are still judging only knowing part of the story.
I, too, love how you both wrote about the experience from your point of view. And, I’m so totally naive that I’m afraid I still don’t know why people were staring– if I saw two women walking down the street that way, I’d assume they were friends helping one another? I’m sorry it was an issue at all, and it makes me incredibly sad people are subjected to stares and glares on a daily basis, doing nothing but walking down the street or into a store. I’m glad you could talk about it and share your story, too.
Carrie, People were staring because we haven’t come far enough that it is okay for a white woman to let a woman of color hold the umbrella for her. It makes me sad too how people are treated. Even almost 12 years post 9/11 I know there are many people who simply “look” like they are from the Middle East who get treated awfully.
This is a beautifully written piece and I absolutely love how you both chose to write about those four blocks from your individual perspectives. Thank you!
Thank you.
It was nice to spend the time with you and quite interesting to share the experience. I wonder what will happen the next time we go out.
I’m just as naive. It took me a few minutes to realize what you meant while reading this. I’m not sure I would have noticed it in the moment either.
Many people probably wouldn’t but I am an observer. I watch everything going on around me. It’s a generally annoying trait because everywhere I go I can’t just relax and just tune out haha.
This story made me sad. We think we’ve “come far”, but of course we haven’t. We divide and assume, and none of this makes us any better. Thanks for sharing – I hope people learn from it.
“We divide and assume”. We do and sometimes I think that we aren’t aware of how moves we make, things we say, truly ARE dividing attitudes.