I look into his face and I feel…..
….I feel gut wrenching sorrow. It shakes me to my core. I question, I wonder. How? How did he get to this place? Just like it was yesterday I remember stroking his soft little cheek wondering what he would be someday. A lawyer? A doctor? Would he save lives? Would he marry? Who and what would he be?
Never in my mind did I imagine this. Never did I imagine the infamy he would receive as the world stopped and watched in horror as bombs went off in such a happy place, as people screamed in agony and ran, fearing for their lives. Never did my nightmares prepare me for this sweet little boy I tucked in at night, clothed, fed, loved, to turn into what the world sees now – a monster. My son….a monster. My heart stops. Will it ever beat again?
I wonder how….what…where…I frantically search through my memories, the beautiful moments, the sad, the hard….what did I do wrong. Where did I go wrong. What did I miss. How could I have missed the monster lurking inside? The monster that could come out and destroy such happy lives. The monster that could put a plan in motion, knowing, knowing that some one’s mother, some one’s child would be destroyed by his actions.
I watch…I watch as a world hunts him down. The guns, the trucks, the uniforms, the armor. I watch and cannot believe…one son gone and the other being hunted. Is he alive? In pain? Will he survive? My son…reduced to an animal. Running, hiding, fear. My son.
How do I face the world around me? Forever known as the mother of what the world can only see….a twisted person who could inflict such cruel horror on screen for the world to see? How do I face myself? Wondering…always wondering what I did wrong. My heart cries, my soul breaks…my son.
**Author’s Note: This is written from a mother’s perspective of her emotions and feelings of a situation that, thank God, has not happened to her. She simply imagines herself in the shoes of mothers who have watched scenes unfold where the children of their heart and body do things they could never have imagined. I pray to God I never truly understand.
I had not thought about that from her perspective. It’s heart wrenching for sure. It gives me more reason to keep praying for my kids and their futures!
Yes! Much prayer and hope and faith. I am reading something right now that gives the stark truth that no matter what we do we are not in control and all we can do is our best and pray.
I had chills reading this.
When I was at the high school Wednesday afternoon to have John tested, one of the people there said to me that the mom of the boy shot the kids in Sandy Hook deserved to die. She was so decided about it. I felt sorry for her because she couldn’t put herself in the place of the mom. She couldn’t see the choices we make along the way, some intentional, some unconscious, some without much thought.
I cried my way through writing it. How very sad. There comes a point in each person’s life that they need to take responsibility for him/herself and the world needs to give responsibility to that person. I felt so much pain for Adam Lanza’s mother through the aftermath of Sandy Hook. From the information we had she did everything she knew to do for her son and if/where she goofed up, truly seemed to have the best of intentions. I started reading a book today called “When I Lay My Isaac Down”. I am only about 1/10th of the way through this but it is the journey of a mother who “did it all right” and her son, who for all appearances was the model person, murdered someone. I didn’t know what it was about but just clicked it from my stash of Kindle Freebies. It was good timing.